O.K. So, when it rains it pours, right?!?! Well, I have learned that the saying also applies to blessings. We are blessed enough right now to be able to remodel (fix the broken, run down, and non-functional) kitchen. My brother-in-law is going to help with the installation and also works for a cabinet company and can get us the cabinets at cost. I am sooooo excited. I am now 33, and this is the first time I am going to be able to remodel anything more than painting the walls. I may even be able to get matching curtains!!!! On top of that, we have been budgeting to replace our water heater that is 21 years old. Well, we just found out that someone is replacing their 10 year old, perfectly good water heater, and we are the blessed receivers of this glorious machine. Now, we may be able to replace the carpeting in our basement, too!! Thank you, God, for taking care of my ever growing family. Thank you for ALWAYS providing.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Still Going!!
I am still "happy"! It is amazing to me that I was even as bad as I was just a couple of weeks ago. And I have gotten to put the flax seed oil to the test. We had three days in a row without sun again here in MI, and I am still going joyfully along! I would love to expound on this, but the lap top is about to run out of battery life. I joined Facebook tonight. I am still not sure that was a good thing...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Daily Pill Popping
I wanted to share what I do every day to help with the postpartum depression.
Every morning I take:
1 Pre-natal Vitamin
2 Vitamin C 500mg capsules
1 Flax Seed Oil softgel, 1000 mg and 700 mg of Omega-3 Fatty Acids
1 B100 Vitamin B-Complex
I do take probiotics to help fight off the thrush that Jesse and I both had for a while as well.
I also sit in front of my light box for 30 min., if the sun is not shining, which is most days. If the sun is out I put my lawn chair out in the snow, heat up a rice bag and some hot tea, and sit outside for the same amount of time.
I know this may not help everyone, but I wanted to encourage those of you out there, that you don't have to keep fighting on your own. Keep trying different things, with careful prayer and consideration, and don't shy away from going to the doctor's office. They don't always jump right to the drugs.
Every morning I take:
1 Pre-natal Vitamin
2 Vitamin C 500mg capsules
1 Flax Seed Oil softgel, 1000 mg and 700 mg of Omega-3 Fatty Acids
1 B100 Vitamin B-Complex
I do take probiotics to help fight off the thrush that Jesse and I both had for a while as well.
I also sit in front of my light box for 30 min., if the sun is not shining, which is most days. If the sun is out I put my lawn chair out in the snow, heat up a rice bag and some hot tea, and sit outside for the same amount of time.
I know this may not help everyone, but I wanted to encourage those of you out there, that you don't have to keep fighting on your own. Keep trying different things, with careful prayer and consideration, and don't shy away from going to the doctor's office. They don't always jump right to the drugs.
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Low Down
So here is the gist of it...
I had my sixth child in August of '08. Things went fantastic. I was immediately back in the swing of things. Actually, I think I need to go back a little further than that. A little history will shed a ton of light on why I am the way I am.
Laci, my fourth daughter, was born in November of 2004. I had been extremely sick with all of my pregnancies and having only been married for 8 years, and being pregnant or nursing for about 7 of those 8 years, I had gotten really good at enjoying the excuses so as not to have to do much around the house, and to let a lot of my responsibilities slide. My philosophy was that if I was a good mom, I was a good wife. So I poured myself into my children. I disciplined them, trained them, played with them, and made them the focus of my days. For 8 years, John had to fight for my time and energy, of which I had already spent on the kids. This resulted in the explosion that took place shortly after my little Laci was born. She had been jaundiced, which meant many trips back and forth to the hospital for blood draws. I had been recovering from delivery and a spinal headache from the epidural. I received a phone call on a Friday morning from my sister, crying, and explaining that my Grandma was in an ambulance because she had a heart attack, that my Grandfather, her husband, was on his way home from being diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and that my Grandma, my dad's mom was also diagnosed that same week with lymphatic cancer. I was given all of this information at one time and naturally needed to go see them all. They only live about an hour and a half away, so my husband drove me over to my mom's house. I stayed the weekend, while my husband stayed with the 3 older girls at home. My mom drove me home on Sunday evening, and that is when the real journey began.
From my husbands perspective, he thought the light at the end of the tunnel was almost upon us. We were on our last child, and in the near future I would no longer be tired, pregnant and nursing. With all of the preceding happenings, that light was quickly fading. On Tuesday night, the phone rang. I, while in my bed nursing Laci and watching T.V., my most natural state, answered the phone. We needed to take Laci in to check her jaundice again, they didn't like her numbers. That was the last straw. My husband came unglued. I will go into more detail later, but for now let's just say that I never saw it coming. The words, "Don't worry I will stick by my vows, but...." came out of his mouth. He couldn't take it anymore. He needed a wife. He needed me to start doing my part. Again, I will go into more detail later, but you get the idea.
Well, this was the beginning of me seeing that I was mistaken. Being a good mom did not equal being a good wife. I had neglected my wifely duties, thinking that I was saintly in being the best mom in the world. Well, I guess I found out the hard way, that I was missing the boat. So over the course of the next 5 years, and continuing still, I have been learning how to be a wife and a mom.
That being said...
We have since had two more children, all from God's divine design, and I have set out to prove to my husband that it can be a different experience. I can keep the house clean. I can keep him as a priority. I can be "super-woman". Now, just so you know, I am learning even today, that he wasn't expecting "super-woman". I was putting that goal on myself. And I was achieving that for a few short months. Everything was peachy. Jesse, my 6th, was a happy, scheduled, lovable boy. I didn't expect John, my husband, to wait on me hand and foot. I took care of the baby, and he took care of the older ones in the middle of the night if they needed it. When we got the stomach flu, I stayed up all night, since I was up feeding Jesse a couple times a night anyway. The fourth time we got the stomach flu, yep, I was the one in charge of the sickies. And I was doing it with a smile! Things couldn't be going better. The house wasn't the way I would like it to be, but I made sure to apologize every evening so that John would know that I had intended to get to it. Then, slowly, I became more and more obsessed with getting things right. Now, I wasn't losing the weight. I wasn't getting sleep that I needed. I wasn't keeping the girls on task like they should be. I wasn't training the littles as much as I should be. I wasn't as scheduled as I needed to be. And on and on the mind games went. Then, I just needed to make it to Florida. I would get the sleep I needed, which would give me the stamina back, and then I would lose the weight, get scheduled, and be on top again. Instead, I was in for a huge wake up call.
Florida was great. I started laughing again. My friend, Deb, who went with me, even said my laugh was different. I was soaking in the sun, and sleeping, and preparing myself for the return of "my old self", the bubbly, fun loving, get things accomplished self. I had even told the girls to be excited for my return, because "I" would be back.
Well, I returned on a Wednesday, and by the time Sunday rolled around, I actually told my husband that I needed to get away again. That was when it dawned on me that there was something bigger going on. He let me go out for the afternoon, I had to be back in time to feed Jesse, so I went to a coffee shop right around the corner. I prayed, journaled and even cried. I felt a little better that night. God had comforted me. But, Monday morning was bad again. Luckily, I have some wonderful girlfriends that, while walking on egg shells, suggested that maybe I had post partum depression.
Hmmmm. Nawwww. I am sure I just needed to pray more, or pull up my boot straps and get over it. Then, one last friend said it, and I decided to make the call. I called my doctor's office and they got me in that afternoon. I got to talk to a "health coach". This one in particular has worked with moms for over 6 years. She listened and let me cry, and then gave me a prescription. Sit in front of the full spectrum light box that I have for 30 minutes a day, and for 2 hours twice a week, I was to get out of the house without any kids to do something for myself. My motto was to be, "Be kind to myself". We came up with this plan because I did feel better in Florida, so she was hoping that I could handle the depression without medication.
Well, my husband was all about helping me, so I got to go out 3 times in one week. I went to the coffee shop, out to dinner with a friend, and I got the opportunity to go to a Chris Tomlin concert. That following Sunday and Monday were the worst days yet. Deb, when talking on the phone, said she thought I sounded worse. My husband agreed, and I was floored. REALLY, WORSE!?!?!?!? O.K. Now what do I do? Well, we had a couple of options. A friend from the Homeschool Building recommended a friend of hers that uses homeopathic means to deal with depression, and John could set up an appointment with her, or I could go back to the doctor's office to get medicine. John left a message with the homeopathic woman, and then we waited. She called back on Tuesday, but I forgot to give John the message, I was not answering the phone or dealing with any of it. I wanted John to handle it, I didn't think I could make very good decisions at this point. So, in the mean time, a girlfriend from college called on Wednesday and she asked me how I was doing. I shared what I was going through, and she shared that she had been feeling that way, too. She has an 8 month old. She had just been doing some research on this very topic and found that omega 3 fatty acids are supposed to be beneficial. I had already been told that vitamin B complex was also good, and Deb had some that I could try, so I had been taking that for a couple of days and had noticed a little bit of a difference. But, not enough to kick me out of it. So, I thought, I might as well take a chance. Well, guess what just happened to be in my medicine cabinet... flax seed oil capsules. Where they came from is still a mystery, but there they were. So, Wednesday night I started taking them. I took one again on Thursday morning, and by Thursday afternoon, I felt like I was alive again. My husband came home from work and could tell that I was different. We both held our breath, because who knew if this was going to last. But, it is now Wednesday of the next week, and I am still doing GREAT!! Some of the signs that I really am doing better are...
I actually wanted to call someone just to gab.
My husband called at lunch to say thank you for his sandwich and I was not offended by that.
I wanted to spend time with my kids.
I laughed, a lot.
This may sound strange, but during church on Sunday, I actually was thinking of ways I could help someone else. I hadn't done that in a long time.
The pac-men were gone from the back of my head. I had often felt like there were two clouds of emotion fighting at the back of my head like pac-men, anger/rage, and defeat. They stopped!!!
Praise God. He knew what I needed and provided it. I am often blown away by his ever present hand in things.
Now, I am trying to put my daily life back together. Even though my head isn't cloudy anymore, I still have to figure out how to fit in taking care of myself, and getting my work done. And how do you do that without beating yourself up for everything you don't get done?
I had my sixth child in August of '08. Things went fantastic. I was immediately back in the swing of things. Actually, I think I need to go back a little further than that. A little history will shed a ton of light on why I am the way I am.
Laci, my fourth daughter, was born in November of 2004. I had been extremely sick with all of my pregnancies and having only been married for 8 years, and being pregnant or nursing for about 7 of those 8 years, I had gotten really good at enjoying the excuses so as not to have to do much around the house, and to let a lot of my responsibilities slide. My philosophy was that if I was a good mom, I was a good wife. So I poured myself into my children. I disciplined them, trained them, played with them, and made them the focus of my days. For 8 years, John had to fight for my time and energy, of which I had already spent on the kids. This resulted in the explosion that took place shortly after my little Laci was born. She had been jaundiced, which meant many trips back and forth to the hospital for blood draws. I had been recovering from delivery and a spinal headache from the epidural. I received a phone call on a Friday morning from my sister, crying, and explaining that my Grandma was in an ambulance because she had a heart attack, that my Grandfather, her husband, was on his way home from being diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and that my Grandma, my dad's mom was also diagnosed that same week with lymphatic cancer. I was given all of this information at one time and naturally needed to go see them all. They only live about an hour and a half away, so my husband drove me over to my mom's house. I stayed the weekend, while my husband stayed with the 3 older girls at home. My mom drove me home on Sunday evening, and that is when the real journey began.
From my husbands perspective, he thought the light at the end of the tunnel was almost upon us. We were on our last child, and in the near future I would no longer be tired, pregnant and nursing. With all of the preceding happenings, that light was quickly fading. On Tuesday night, the phone rang. I, while in my bed nursing Laci and watching T.V., my most natural state, answered the phone. We needed to take Laci in to check her jaundice again, they didn't like her numbers. That was the last straw. My husband came unglued. I will go into more detail later, but for now let's just say that I never saw it coming. The words, "Don't worry I will stick by my vows, but...." came out of his mouth. He couldn't take it anymore. He needed a wife. He needed me to start doing my part. Again, I will go into more detail later, but you get the idea.
Well, this was the beginning of me seeing that I was mistaken. Being a good mom did not equal being a good wife. I had neglected my wifely duties, thinking that I was saintly in being the best mom in the world. Well, I guess I found out the hard way, that I was missing the boat. So over the course of the next 5 years, and continuing still, I have been learning how to be a wife and a mom.
That being said...
We have since had two more children, all from God's divine design, and I have set out to prove to my husband that it can be a different experience. I can keep the house clean. I can keep him as a priority. I can be "super-woman". Now, just so you know, I am learning even today, that he wasn't expecting "super-woman". I was putting that goal on myself. And I was achieving that for a few short months. Everything was peachy. Jesse, my 6th, was a happy, scheduled, lovable boy. I didn't expect John, my husband, to wait on me hand and foot. I took care of the baby, and he took care of the older ones in the middle of the night if they needed it. When we got the stomach flu, I stayed up all night, since I was up feeding Jesse a couple times a night anyway. The fourth time we got the stomach flu, yep, I was the one in charge of the sickies. And I was doing it with a smile! Things couldn't be going better. The house wasn't the way I would like it to be, but I made sure to apologize every evening so that John would know that I had intended to get to it. Then, slowly, I became more and more obsessed with getting things right. Now, I wasn't losing the weight. I wasn't getting sleep that I needed. I wasn't keeping the girls on task like they should be. I wasn't training the littles as much as I should be. I wasn't as scheduled as I needed to be. And on and on the mind games went. Then, I just needed to make it to Florida. I would get the sleep I needed, which would give me the stamina back, and then I would lose the weight, get scheduled, and be on top again. Instead, I was in for a huge wake up call.
Florida was great. I started laughing again. My friend, Deb, who went with me, even said my laugh was different. I was soaking in the sun, and sleeping, and preparing myself for the return of "my old self", the bubbly, fun loving, get things accomplished self. I had even told the girls to be excited for my return, because "I" would be back.
Well, I returned on a Wednesday, and by the time Sunday rolled around, I actually told my husband that I needed to get away again. That was when it dawned on me that there was something bigger going on. He let me go out for the afternoon, I had to be back in time to feed Jesse, so I went to a coffee shop right around the corner. I prayed, journaled and even cried. I felt a little better that night. God had comforted me. But, Monday morning was bad again. Luckily, I have some wonderful girlfriends that, while walking on egg shells, suggested that maybe I had post partum depression.
Hmmmm. Nawwww. I am sure I just needed to pray more, or pull up my boot straps and get over it. Then, one last friend said it, and I decided to make the call. I called my doctor's office and they got me in that afternoon. I got to talk to a "health coach". This one in particular has worked with moms for over 6 years. She listened and let me cry, and then gave me a prescription. Sit in front of the full spectrum light box that I have for 30 minutes a day, and for 2 hours twice a week, I was to get out of the house without any kids to do something for myself. My motto was to be, "Be kind to myself". We came up with this plan because I did feel better in Florida, so she was hoping that I could handle the depression without medication.
Well, my husband was all about helping me, so I got to go out 3 times in one week. I went to the coffee shop, out to dinner with a friend, and I got the opportunity to go to a Chris Tomlin concert. That following Sunday and Monday were the worst days yet. Deb, when talking on the phone, said she thought I sounded worse. My husband agreed, and I was floored. REALLY, WORSE!?!?!?!? O.K. Now what do I do? Well, we had a couple of options. A friend from the Homeschool Building recommended a friend of hers that uses homeopathic means to deal with depression, and John could set up an appointment with her, or I could go back to the doctor's office to get medicine. John left a message with the homeopathic woman, and then we waited. She called back on Tuesday, but I forgot to give John the message, I was not answering the phone or dealing with any of it. I wanted John to handle it, I didn't think I could make very good decisions at this point. So, in the mean time, a girlfriend from college called on Wednesday and she asked me how I was doing. I shared what I was going through, and she shared that she had been feeling that way, too. She has an 8 month old. She had just been doing some research on this very topic and found that omega 3 fatty acids are supposed to be beneficial. I had already been told that vitamin B complex was also good, and Deb had some that I could try, so I had been taking that for a couple of days and had noticed a little bit of a difference. But, not enough to kick me out of it. So, I thought, I might as well take a chance. Well, guess what just happened to be in my medicine cabinet... flax seed oil capsules. Where they came from is still a mystery, but there they were. So, Wednesday night I started taking them. I took one again on Thursday morning, and by Thursday afternoon, I felt like I was alive again. My husband came home from work and could tell that I was different. We both held our breath, because who knew if this was going to last. But, it is now Wednesday of the next week, and I am still doing GREAT!! Some of the signs that I really am doing better are...
I actually wanted to call someone just to gab.
My husband called at lunch to say thank you for his sandwich and I was not offended by that.
I wanted to spend time with my kids.
I laughed, a lot.
This may sound strange, but during church on Sunday, I actually was thinking of ways I could help someone else. I hadn't done that in a long time.
The pac-men were gone from the back of my head. I had often felt like there were two clouds of emotion fighting at the back of my head like pac-men, anger/rage, and defeat. They stopped!!!
Praise God. He knew what I needed and provided it. I am often blown away by his ever present hand in things.
Now, I am trying to put my daily life back together. Even though my head isn't cloudy anymore, I still have to figure out how to fit in taking care of myself, and getting my work done. And how do you do that without beating yourself up for everything you don't get done?
Yup!
You can juggle life and still be struggling with postpartum depression. It has been 2 weeks since my last post and I am glad to say that I have been through a lot in those two weeks. "Been" is the most important part of that sentence. I believe I am on the other side of this specific hurdle. I need to fix lunch for the kiddos, so I won't be able to sit and think for another couple of hours, after the littles are in bed for naps, but then I will spill all.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Yes, I am crazy!
Crazy is usually looked at as a negative word, but if you really think about it, crazy can be good too. Crazy allows you to get away with things like living up to any expectations. It also gets a lot of sympathy from those around you.
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