Really?

I know I said I would finish later, but life happened and I figured out even more stuff that I need to share at a later date, but for today I just wanted to say that I never thought I would be here.

Where is here, you say? Here is in a confused state of wonder, questions, and despair. I think the normal world calls it "postpartum depression". I have been trying to put my finger on whether or not that would describe what I have been going through lately or not, but how can mentally confused woman really know?

So, on the advice of now 3 dear friends and my husband, I am going to talk to someone. Scary. I am not even sure why. I mean, if I really am dealing with this, it isn't that big of a deal, but really? Me? I have even fooled myself into believing that I have been handling the transition into 6 kids phenomenally. From the outside, my house is not bad, the girls are doing great in school, and my husband is not lacking (if you know what I mean). I have been able to keep the plates spinning. Can you be clinically depressed and still juggle life? I guess I am about to find out!

The Return

OK, so how do I possibly share it all? I am going to try to sum everything up, but forgive me if I babble or seem a little unorganized in my delivery. I am going to have to do this in a couple of installments because of the time, and the fact that I still have a household to try to run!!

To give a little bit of background, I have a wonderful friend and mentor that I met in 1997 in Grand Haven, MI, just 4 months before my first child was to be born. Her name is Monique, and she had 4 children of her own. She now has 6. She home schooled and trained her children in a way I had never seen before. I was very interested in how she did things and she was gracious enough to take me under her wing, and has yet to let me out of her sight. She has since moved to Kentucky, and just a couple of years later, to Florida. While in Kentucky, the jubilees began. For one week, once a year or so, I would drive down to see her. My girls, 2 of them at that time, would stay with my mother, or my sister, and I would go alone, for 5-7 days for rest and rejuvenation. Monique also has a jubilee whenever she can get a chance, and has a passion for providing that for others as well. So, that being said, I went to Florida this past week for my jubilee. Now when I go, my husband takes the week off of work and stays home with most of the kids. My mom usually takes one or two, and if I am nursing, I take the baby. So, John stayed home with Alison, Julie, Laci, and Jack. My mom had Emmy, and I took Jesse with me. I was slightly dissappointed that I didn't get to go completely alone, but can I really complain about getting to go to Florida???!!!!???!!!

My husband just got home, so I will continue this tomorrow. Much more to come!!

Possible?

So I am making it. I have only one more day until Florida. Normally this would be an exciting thing, an enviable thing, something that I would feel undeserving of, but not this time. This time it seems miraculous. That I survived. That it is here. That it is going to actually happen. I have been able to fake it for the last 5 months. That is how long I have been sleep deprived. Actually longer than that. That is just how old my youngest son is. I didn't know how bad it was until this past week. I can't even get excited about Florida. I am just getting through the next hour, the next minute. I can't think ahead to tomorrow. Wow, that verse just popped into my head. I will look it up....

Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Courtesy of Biblegateway.com)

I truly have never been in the situation for that verse to ring so true. I haven't been a parent, I have been wandering aimlessly. My girls are ready to have me back. I try to accomplish things, and I think I have even fooled people into thinking that I am keeping things together. If they could only see inside. The broken vessel that I have become. My brain hurts. I haven't begun packing, and I don't want to. Even that seems too overwhelming. I am sure I will get through that one. My need for the break will push me through.

I guess that is where hard work has paid off in the long run. God knew that this time would come. I was able to put together a schedule that the older two girls can keep up with. The younger ones are trained enough that they don't do anything too dangerous. And, Jesse, the baby, is a great baby. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for having a perfect plan.

Now the tears are threatening. I had better wrap this up while I can still see. I may not post again until I return, but surly I will have a ton to share when I do.

"Do not worry about tomorrow...."

UGGGHHH

So, I am supposed to be heading out to Florida tomorrow. My husband calls this morning to have me pick him up because the car has broken down. This not only costs money that I should be taking with me, but I am also supposed to take the car to the airport. I am sure that God will work it all out, but UGGGGGHHHHH.

More training

I do believe I have stumbled upon a revelation. I need more training. As I am cleaning out our family closet, finding many things that do not belong there, I realize that most of these objects that mysteriously end up being stuffed in between clothing belong to the same child over and over again. And the next thought through my head is, man she really needs "boot camp" again. (Boot camp for us is when we take a week and focus more on discipline and training, than on anything else with that child.) Then, not even a flicker of a second later, "she's just like you", runs through my mind. CRAP. I still need more training. I need to lead by example.

I did not learn a lot of life's simpler lessons until my adult years, and I am still working on half of them. Some examples of those rules are:

• Pick up after yourself.
• Do it right the first time.
• Don't wait 'til tomorrow.
• If it's worth doing it is worth doing right.
• God is a god of order, and there is a reason for order.
  

I am an extrovert. I love the party, and I fear missing out on the fun. My daughter, Julie, is a carbon copy of me. If there is even the hint that something more exciting is happening on the other side of the wall, everything must be dropped, or at least finished extremely fast with no regards to the quality of the work, and fun must be had. I find it really humbling to say, but I am still like that. My dresser still has a pile of stuff on it, that I put there because I wanted to get on with the fun instead of taking the 3 extra steps it may take to put it in the right spot (my house is tiny). And I am doing it right now. I should be cleaning, instead I am writing, because this is more fun (and I am even taking a beating from myself). All I have to say is WOW. I think I need to chew on this some more. Back to cleaning, unless I find something else more enticing!!

Discipline

So yesterday morning I was getting the day rolling. We had dentist appointments at 11am. Which meant we needed to leave by 10:30am. Which meant the kids needed to be in the van by 10:15am. At around 9am, after breakfast, and after the baby was fed, I started gearing the kids up for leaving. Alison and Julie had done their school for the day the night before, knowing that we would not have time for it the next morning, (rare but brilliant planning on their part). That left Emmy and Laci's reading lessons and chores. Not too much to be done in an hour and a half. I sat down to begin the lessons. Laci was on my left, and Emmy on my right. Everything was going great, until I said it was time to get shoes and coats on. Ali and Julie went right to task, one grabbing Jack, the 2 year old, and the other delivering the soiled baby to me, just in time to change him quickly and then power feed him. In the mean time, Emmy and Laci should have been fully capable of getting ready themselves. In enters Ali. "Mom, Laci is on the steps and won't come and get her shoes on." Then I, still nursing Jesse, say, "Tell her to come and see me." A few minutes later, Ali, "She is slowly scooting down the stairs and won't come." I, with a forced smile on my face and through clenched teeth, "don't worry about it, I will deal with her in a few minutes." From the door, Julie, "Mooooo-ooooom, Emmy won't get in the van." Now, having lost my cool, and not being the mommy of the year, yell, "I will deal with it in a minute!" This may sound nice and innocent on the screen, but in my head it was not nice at all. I had to regain my composure before dealing with Laci, or we would both regret it. I calmly, yet firmly call out to Laci, telling her to go to the bathroom. Crying, followed by some fake sobbing. I begin buckling Jesse, and looking at the clock, now reading 10:17am, I am starting to lose it even more. Now we are going to be late, I was ahead of schedule, and now we're behind. Still trying to keep my cool, I enter the bathroom, where Laci awaits, only to find her laying in the bottom of the still damp tub, trying to hide. WHOOOAAAHHH, did I have to reign in the beast of a mom then. Again, I smiled through clenched teeth. Deep breaths, she's only 4. I held her little cheeks in mine, after pulling her out of the tub, and waiting for her sobs to settle down a little. This is where Debbie Pearl, author of "To Train Up a Child", comes into my head and reminds me that it isn't Laci's fault. I have trained her. I have been the inconsistent one. I am the one who needs to change. As I hand out her consequences, I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me. The next week will be spent training, and drilling her on how she needs to listen to her older siblings, and walking her through the process of getting her coat and shoes on, and getting in the van. When I will find the time to do this? Who knows!!!???!!! In fact, I am holding on dearly to the fact that I get to re-energize. I am going to Florida to visit my mentor. She is the reason I homeschool. She is the reason I parent the way I do, and she has given me this gift of taking a break as well. She calls it a jubilee. I met her in Grand Haven, MI. She now conveniently lives in Tampa, FL. I will have much to share next week, and it should sound like it is coming from a sane person!! I am off to bed. Sweet Dreams.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a very exciting day. We went to the dentist. I had all 4 girls checked, and there were no cavities!! Today I am going to try to rearrange my schedule and post my results. I am trying to work in the preschoolers and trying to make sure I am not on the computer all day. So, I am going to schedule 20 minutes 2 times a day to check email, blog, and twitter. We will see how that goes. I will have to share my discipline escapades from yesterday. Laci, the 4 year old, was up to her usual impy self. More on that after schooling is done.

My Oldest Girls

Here is a great picture of 2 of my best accomplishments. Alison (11) and Julie (9). Ali loves to draw and sing. She is a gentle and quiet spirit while still being spunky. Julie loves anything exciting and new. She will try anything once and with much vigor. She is spunky and able to put a smile any face in less than 1 second flat.

Nasty Day?

Was it a nasty day? Well, when it comes to the kids, no. But in my head, I am still foggy. I can blame it on nursing a new baby. I can blame it on lack of sleep. I can even blame it on the fact that Christmas break messed up our schedule. BUT, it doesn't matter what the blame is. The bottom line is that I still have to try to make sense of my day. I still have to try to figure out how to balance the minutes ticking by and that feeling of "but I don't want to...". And then not beat myself up when all I have accomplished for the day is that my kids are alive and have been fed.

Questions

Here I am again. Day two. I am really doubting why I started this in the first place. I am excited to do it, yet why in the world would anyone want to read it? Anyway, I am going to keep pressing forward for at least a week to see if it is worth my time. I think it is, because it gives me yet one more excuse to put off cleaning :).

I didn't have to do much in the way of parenting this morning. Because of having a still nursing baby, I tend to sleep in a little every morning. The girls, Alison (11) and Julie (9), made pancakes for the littles, Emmy (5) Laci (4) and Jack (almost 2). They even brought in two for me, though a little under cooked. I can not express to you the joy it brings me when the years of consistent training and discipline pay off in the littlest ways. The girls are now beginning their school. Alison just finished her Math test and Julie is working on her Language Arts. Jack and Laci are downstairs watching a movie, and Emmy is making a card for.... I just asked her who it was for... it's for me!! My days are not always this smooth or mushy, but I don't want to dwell on the nasty days. I will get to write all about one of the bad days soon enough. Who knows, maybe even later today!!

Here is my agenda for the day....
Start my servants (dishwasher, crockpot, bread machine, etc...)
Finish my "Room and Groom" (Make bed, Do hair, Make-up)
Begin my Task list:
Laundry (Fold and Put away 2 loads)
Family Closet (Continue Sorting and Re-organizing)
Game Closet (Sort, Donate, Make room for the new)
Of course I will be interupted by school, babies, training, and lunch. Hope to get done by 3pm, so I can have some down time.
Jack is crying. I need to see what he's upset about.

For the first Monday of the year, I think I did O.K. I was able to use that hour to sort coats, since the girls all got new ones for Christmas. I also got the tree ornaments put away. No, I didn't get the toys sorted yet. I get so easily distracted. As soon as I put the baby in his swing, I began putting the ornaments away. And then I was carrying them up the stairs and noticed that if I just put away the old coats, I wouldn't have to move them out of the way to get up the stairs. So, here I am with some accomplishments, but not the ones I wanted.

Whew!

Well, here I am. Mother of 6 kids under the age of 11 and wondering why in the world I am beginning a blog. I guess I figure that maybe if I can vent to an anonymous world, maybe it can be theraputic?!?! I guess we will see...

Today, I got to deal with getting back into the swing of things after a 2 week break from our routine. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. It is the aftermath that I don't like. I am still trying to figure out how to organize their new toys. Little pieces are everywhere because I don't have enough bins to keep things straight. So, that is my task for this afternoon. If I can get the little ones all to sleep at the same time. Three of them are down now, but the baby is beginning to stir, so I will be feeding him within the next 15 minutes. Then maybe, I will get about an hour to begin the weeding process. I do have the two oldest on task. They are supposed to be cleaning the downstairs bathroom. I hear an awful lot of giggling though. I will have to double check that job later!

Off to feed the wee one.