The End of a LONG Year

I am so thankful for this past year, and yet am determined NEVER to repeat it. It has been seven months since I last posted, and a ton has happened. I have come even further out of my Post Partum Depression. I am still unclear as to whether or not I am completely better or not. Every month I seem to feel just a tad bit better.

In any case, I have not only worked on my mental status, I have worked on my physical side as well. Once my brain was a little less foggy, I was able to devote some of the extra little brain cells to eating better. In August, I began eating completely different. It has now been 4 and 1/2 months and I have lost 52 pounds. If that doesn't help someone feel better, I don't know what would.

The one area I really need to put some focus into right now is parenting. My theory is that because I was taking care of myself, which I NEEDED to do, my parenting took the way back seat. Now, I have whiny littles, scary loud middles, and snippy olders. SO, the balance needs to come back. AND the Holidays need to be over. As much as I am looking forward to celebrating the New Year, I am more ready to get on with routine. This really is miraculous when you consider that I am the Queen of flying by the seat of my pants!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Training the Little Ones

I am now going to be focusing my blogging on training and parenting the little ones, Emmy, Laci, Jack, and Jesse. I need some motivation, and more consistancy and I am hoping that by focusing my writing on discipline, I will remember to place it as a priority. Parenting is not easy, but it is simple. I just need to stay on top of it, and apply what I already know. For some reason, having the first two girls pretty well trained has made me think that the last four will just learn by osmosis. I have now proven that is doesn't.

Today I will focus on my middle child.

Emmy has many character issues that I have seen for quite some time now, but have put off correcting, because surely they would work themselves out, and I was too tired to worry about it yet. She is six now, and all day today we dealt with her picking on her little sister, pushing her older sisters, and being deceptive. I finally realized that this needed to be dealt with and had her sit on her bed. She ended up having to stay there for quite a while. Even while on her bed, she was disobeying. She got into nail polish, and then had the gall to argue that she wasn't "painting", when her sisters told me she was "painting her sisters fingernails". I knew right away that she was trying to play the old Bill Clinton trick, playing with words. When she was finally able to listen and obey, she was allowed to join the rest of the family. When Dad got home, she freely shared that she had a bad day because she made bad choices. This does show some progress, but I have the feeling it can't be this easy.

Kitchen Conundrum

Well. About one week after the last post. Things changed. We were still blessed, but in very different ways than I had anticipated. We were invited to go to an indoor water park in Wisconsin with some wonderful college friends, Tara and Nathan Prong. They blessed us richly. Our kids were in heaven.

Well on the way there, my tooth began to get sore. (I have a long history with bad teeth and root canals.) Well needless to say, by the time we got back, I couldn't wait any longer. I went to the dentist, and of course, I needed another root canal. Well, if you don't know, root canals are very expensive. We do not have dental insurance, and so we always have to rely on God to pay for them. In the past, our church has taken love offerings for us, we have done payment plans, and the tax stimulus last summer provided a ton of work on my mouth. Well wouldn't you know, God knew we were going to need the money, and the money set aside for the kitchen was more than enough. Well, thank goodness my tooth went bad, because the car also broke down, and we discovered that our house payment was going up by $160 a month. If we had spent the money on the kitchen, we would have had to go into another payment plan, and with the extra house payment , we wouldn't have been able to afford the extra monthly bill.

So again, after some tears and mourning over the loss of my earthly dream of a new kitchen, I was able to see that God is on his throne.

Habakkuk 2:20 (New International Version)

²⁰ But the LORD is in his holy temple;
let all the earth be silent before him."

Enough said!

God Rocks!!

O.K. So, when it rains it pours, right?!?! Well, I have learned that the saying also applies to blessings. We are blessed enough right now to be able to remodel (fix the broken, run down, and non-functional) kitchen. My brother-in-law is going to help with the installation and also works for a cabinet company and can get us the cabinets at cost. I am sooooo excited. I am now 33, and this is the first time I am going to be able to remodel anything more than painting the walls. I may even be able to get matching curtains!!!! On top of that, we have been budgeting to replace our water heater that is 21 years old. Well, we just found out that someone is replacing their 10 year old, perfectly good water heater, and we are the blessed receivers of this glorious machine. Now, we may be able to replace the carpeting in our basement, too!! Thank you, God, for taking care of my ever growing family. Thank you for ALWAYS providing.

Still Going!!

I am still "happy"! It is amazing to me that I was even as bad as I was just a couple of weeks ago. And I have gotten to put the flax seed oil to the test. We had three days in a row without sun again here in MI, and I am still going joyfully along! I would love to expound on this, but the lap top is about to run out of battery life. I joined Facebook tonight. I am still not sure that was a good thing...

Daily Pill Popping

I wanted to share what I do every day to help with the postpartum depression.

Every morning I take:
1 Pre-natal Vitamin
2 Vitamin C 500mg capsules
1 Flax Seed Oil softgel, 1000 mg and 700 mg of Omega-3 Fatty Acids
1 B100 Vitamin B-Complex

I do take probiotics to help fight off the thrush that Jesse and I both had for a while as well.

I also sit in front of my light box for 30 min., if the sun is not shining, which is most days. If the sun is out I put my lawn chair out in the snow, heat up a rice bag and some hot tea, and sit outside for the same amount of time.

I know this may not help everyone, but I wanted to encourage those of you out there, that you don't have to keep fighting on your own. Keep trying different things, with careful prayer and consideration, and don't shy away from going to the doctor's office. They don't always jump right to the drugs.

The Low Down

So here is the gist of it...

I had my sixth child in August of '08. Things went fantastic. I was immediately back in the swing of things. Actually, I think I need to go back a little further than that. A little history will shed a ton of light on why I am the way I am.

Laci, my fourth daughter, was born in November of 2004. I had been extremely sick with all of my pregnancies and having only been married for 8 years, and being pregnant or nursing for about 7 of those 8 years, I had gotten really good at enjoying the excuses so as not to have to do much around the house, and to let a lot of my responsibilities slide. My philosophy was that if I was a good mom, I was a good wife. So I poured myself into my children. I disciplined them, trained them, played with them, and made them the focus of my days. For 8 years, John had to fight for my time and energy, of which I had already spent on the kids. This resulted in the explosion that took place shortly after my little Laci was born. She had been jaundiced, which meant many trips back and forth to the hospital for blood draws. I had been recovering from delivery and a spinal headache from the epidural. I received a phone call on a Friday morning from my sister, crying, and explaining that my Grandma was in an ambulance because she had a heart attack, that my Grandfather, her husband, was on his way home from being diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and that my Grandma, my dad's mom was also diagnosed that same week with lymphatic cancer. I was given all of this information at one time and naturally needed to go see them all. They only live about an hour and a half away, so my husband drove me over to my mom's house. I stayed the weekend, while my husband stayed with the 3 older girls at home. My mom drove me home on Sunday evening, and that is when the real journey began.

From my husbands perspective, he thought the light at the end of the tunnel was almost upon us. We were on our last child, and in the near future I would no longer be tired, pregnant and nursing. With all of the preceding happenings, that light was quickly fading. On Tuesday night, the phone rang. I, while in my bed nursing Laci and watching T.V., my most natural state, answered the phone. We needed to take Laci in to check her jaundice again, they didn't like her numbers. That was the last straw. My husband came unglued. I will go into more detail later, but for now let's just say that I never saw it coming. The words, "Don't worry I will stick by my vows, but...." came out of his mouth. He couldn't take it anymore. He needed a wife. He needed me to start doing my part. Again, I will go into more detail later, but you get the idea.

Well, this was the beginning of me seeing that I was mistaken. Being a good mom did not equal being a good wife. I had neglected my wifely duties, thinking that I was saintly in being the best mom in the world. Well, I guess I found out the hard way, that I was missing the boat. So over the course of the next 5 years, and continuing still, I have been learning how to be a wife and a mom.

That being said...
We have since had two more children, all from God's divine design, and I have set out to prove to my husband that it can be a different experience. I can keep the house clean. I can keep him as a priority. I can be "super-woman". Now, just so you know, I am learning even today, that he wasn't expecting "super-woman". I was putting that goal on myself. And I was achieving that for a few short months. Everything was peachy. Jesse, my 6th, was a happy, scheduled, lovable boy. I didn't expect John, my husband, to wait on me hand and foot. I took care of the baby, and he took care of the older ones in the middle of the night if they needed it. When we got the stomach flu, I stayed up all night, since I was up feeding Jesse a couple times a night anyway. The fourth time we got the stomach flu, yep, I was the one in charge of the sickies. And I was doing it with a smile! Things couldn't be going better. The house wasn't the way I would like it to be, but I made sure to apologize every evening so that John would know that I had intended to get to it. Then, slowly, I became more and more obsessed with getting things right. Now, I wasn't losing the weight. I wasn't getting sleep that I needed. I wasn't keeping the girls on task like they should be. I wasn't training the littles as much as I should be. I wasn't as scheduled as I needed to be. And on and on the mind games went. Then, I just needed to make it to Florida. I would get the sleep I needed, which would give me the stamina back, and then I would lose the weight, get scheduled, and be on top again. Instead, I was in for a huge wake up call.

Florida was great. I started laughing again. My friend, Deb, who went with me, even said my laugh was different. I was soaking in the sun, and sleeping, and preparing myself for the return of "my old self", the bubbly, fun loving, get things accomplished self. I had even told the girls to be excited for my return, because "I" would be back.

Well, I returned on a Wednesday, and by the time Sunday rolled around, I actually told my husband that I needed to get away again. That was when it dawned on me that there was something bigger going on. He let me go out for the afternoon, I had to be back in time to feed Jesse, so I went to a coffee shop right around the corner. I prayed, journaled and even cried. I felt a little better that night. God had comforted me. But, Monday morning was bad again. Luckily, I have some wonderful girlfriends that, while walking on egg shells, suggested that maybe I had post partum depression.

Hmmmm. Nawwww. I am sure I just needed to pray more, or pull up my boot straps and get over it. Then, one last friend said it, and I decided to make the call. I called my doctor's office and they got me in that afternoon. I got to talk to a "health coach". This one in particular has worked with moms for over 6 years. She listened and let me cry, and then gave me a prescription. Sit in front of the full spectrum light box that I have for 30 minutes a day, and for 2 hours twice a week, I was to get out of the house without any kids to do something for myself. My motto was to be, "Be kind to myself". We came up with this plan because I did feel better in Florida, so she was hoping that I could handle the depression without medication.

Well, my husband was all about helping me, so I got to go out 3 times in one week. I went to the coffee shop, out to dinner with a friend, and I got the opportunity to go to a Chris Tomlin concert. That following Sunday and Monday were the worst days yet. Deb, when talking on the phone, said she thought I sounded worse. My husband agreed, and I was floored. REALLY, WORSE!?!?!?!? O.K. Now what do I do? Well, we had a couple of options. A friend from the Homeschool Building recommended a friend of hers that uses homeopathic means to deal with depression, and John could set up an appointment with her, or I could go back to the doctor's office to get medicine. John left a message with the homeopathic woman, and then we waited. She called back on Tuesday, but I forgot to give John the message, I was not answering the phone or dealing with any of it. I wanted John to handle it, I didn't think I could make very good decisions at this point. So, in the mean time, a girlfriend from college called on Wednesday and she asked me how I was doing. I shared what I was going through, and she shared that she had been feeling that way, too. She has an 8 month old. She had just been doing some research on this very topic and found that omega 3 fatty acids are supposed to be beneficial. I had already been told that vitamin B complex was also good, and Deb had some that I could try, so I had been taking that for a couple of days and had noticed a little bit of a difference. But, not enough to kick me out of it. So, I thought, I might as well take a chance. Well, guess what just happened to be in my medicine cabinet... flax seed oil capsules. Where they came from is still a mystery, but there they were. So, Wednesday night I started taking them. I took one again on Thursday morning, and by Thursday afternoon, I felt like I was alive again. My husband came home from work and could tell that I was different. We both held our breath, because who knew if this was going to last. But, it is now Wednesday of the next week, and I am still doing GREAT!! Some of the signs that I really am doing better are...

I actually wanted to call someone just to gab.

My husband called at lunch to say thank you for his sandwich and I was not offended by that.

I wanted to spend time with my kids.

I laughed, a lot.

This may sound strange, but during church on Sunday, I actually was thinking of ways I could help someone else. I hadn't done that in a long time.

The pac-men were gone from the back of my head. I had often felt like there were two clouds of emotion fighting at the back of my head like pac-men, anger/rage, and defeat. They stopped!!!

Praise God. He knew what I needed and provided it. I am often blown away by his ever present hand in things.

Now, I am trying to put my daily life back together. Even though my head isn't cloudy anymore, I still have to figure out how to fit in taking care of myself, and getting my work done. And how do you do that without beating yourself up for everything you don't get done?

Yup!

You can juggle life and still be struggling with postpartum depression. It has been 2 weeks since my last post and I am glad to say that I have been through a lot in those two weeks. "Been" is the most important part of that sentence. I believe I am on the other side of this specific hurdle. I need to fix lunch for the kiddos, so I won't be able to sit and think for another couple of hours, after the littles are in bed for naps, but then I will spill all.

Yes, I am crazy!

Crazy is usually looked at as a negative word, but if you really think about it, crazy can be good too. Crazy allows you to get away with things like living up to any expectations. It also gets a lot of sympathy from those around you.

Really?

I know I said I would finish later, but life happened and I figured out even more stuff that I need to share at a later date, but for today I just wanted to say that I never thought I would be here.

Where is here, you say? Here is in a confused state of wonder, questions, and despair. I think the normal world calls it "postpartum depression". I have been trying to put my finger on whether or not that would describe what I have been going through lately or not, but how can mentally confused woman really know?

So, on the advice of now 3 dear friends and my husband, I am going to talk to someone. Scary. I am not even sure why. I mean, if I really am dealing with this, it isn't that big of a deal, but really? Me? I have even fooled myself into believing that I have been handling the transition into 6 kids phenomenally. From the outside, my house is not bad, the girls are doing great in school, and my husband is not lacking (if you know what I mean). I have been able to keep the plates spinning. Can you be clinically depressed and still juggle life? I guess I am about to find out!

The Return

OK, so how do I possibly share it all? I am going to try to sum everything up, but forgive me if I babble or seem a little unorganized in my delivery. I am going to have to do this in a couple of installments because of the time, and the fact that I still have a household to try to run!!

To give a little bit of background, I have a wonderful friend and mentor that I met in 1997 in Grand Haven, MI, just 4 months before my first child was to be born. Her name is Monique, and she had 4 children of her own. She now has 6. She home schooled and trained her children in a way I had never seen before. I was very interested in how she did things and she was gracious enough to take me under her wing, and has yet to let me out of her sight. She has since moved to Kentucky, and just a couple of years later, to Florida. While in Kentucky, the jubilees began. For one week, once a year or so, I would drive down to see her. My girls, 2 of them at that time, would stay with my mother, or my sister, and I would go alone, for 5-7 days for rest and rejuvenation. Monique also has a jubilee whenever she can get a chance, and has a passion for providing that for others as well. So, that being said, I went to Florida this past week for my jubilee. Now when I go, my husband takes the week off of work and stays home with most of the kids. My mom usually takes one or two, and if I am nursing, I take the baby. So, John stayed home with Alison, Julie, Laci, and Jack. My mom had Emmy, and I took Jesse with me. I was slightly dissappointed that I didn't get to go completely alone, but can I really complain about getting to go to Florida???!!!!???!!!

My husband just got home, so I will continue this tomorrow. Much more to come!!

Possible?

So I am making it. I have only one more day until Florida. Normally this would be an exciting thing, an enviable thing, something that I would feel undeserving of, but not this time. This time it seems miraculous. That I survived. That it is here. That it is going to actually happen. I have been able to fake it for the last 5 months. That is how long I have been sleep deprived. Actually longer than that. That is just how old my youngest son is. I didn't know how bad it was until this past week. I can't even get excited about Florida. I am just getting through the next hour, the next minute. I can't think ahead to tomorrow. Wow, that verse just popped into my head. I will look it up....

Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Courtesy of Biblegateway.com)

I truly have never been in the situation for that verse to ring so true. I haven't been a parent, I have been wandering aimlessly. My girls are ready to have me back. I try to accomplish things, and I think I have even fooled people into thinking that I am keeping things together. If they could only see inside. The broken vessel that I have become. My brain hurts. I haven't begun packing, and I don't want to. Even that seems too overwhelming. I am sure I will get through that one. My need for the break will push me through.

I guess that is where hard work has paid off in the long run. God knew that this time would come. I was able to put together a schedule that the older two girls can keep up with. The younger ones are trained enough that they don't do anything too dangerous. And, Jesse, the baby, is a great baby. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for having a perfect plan.

Now the tears are threatening. I had better wrap this up while I can still see. I may not post again until I return, but surly I will have a ton to share when I do.

"Do not worry about tomorrow...."

UGGGHHH

So, I am supposed to be heading out to Florida tomorrow. My husband calls this morning to have me pick him up because the car has broken down. This not only costs money that I should be taking with me, but I am also supposed to take the car to the airport. I am sure that God will work it all out, but UGGGGGHHHHH.

More training

I do believe I have stumbled upon a revelation. I need more training. As I am cleaning out our family closet, finding many things that do not belong there, I realize that most of these objects that mysteriously end up being stuffed in between clothing belong to the same child over and over again. And the next thought through my head is, man she really needs "boot camp" again. (Boot camp for us is when we take a week and focus more on discipline and training, than on anything else with that child.) Then, not even a flicker of a second later, "she's just like you", runs through my mind. CRAP. I still need more training. I need to lead by example.

I did not learn a lot of life's simpler lessons until my adult years, and I am still working on half of them. Some examples of those rules are:

• Pick up after yourself.
• Do it right the first time.
• Don't wait 'til tomorrow.
• If it's worth doing it is worth doing right.
• God is a god of order, and there is a reason for order.
  

I am an extrovert. I love the party, and I fear missing out on the fun. My daughter, Julie, is a carbon copy of me. If there is even the hint that something more exciting is happening on the other side of the wall, everything must be dropped, or at least finished extremely fast with no regards to the quality of the work, and fun must be had. I find it really humbling to say, but I am still like that. My dresser still has a pile of stuff on it, that I put there because I wanted to get on with the fun instead of taking the 3 extra steps it may take to put it in the right spot (my house is tiny). And I am doing it right now. I should be cleaning, instead I am writing, because this is more fun (and I am even taking a beating from myself). All I have to say is WOW. I think I need to chew on this some more. Back to cleaning, unless I find something else more enticing!!

Discipline

So yesterday morning I was getting the day rolling. We had dentist appointments at 11am. Which meant we needed to leave by 10:30am. Which meant the kids needed to be in the van by 10:15am. At around 9am, after breakfast, and after the baby was fed, I started gearing the kids up for leaving. Alison and Julie had done their school for the day the night before, knowing that we would not have time for it the next morning, (rare but brilliant planning on their part). That left Emmy and Laci's reading lessons and chores. Not too much to be done in an hour and a half. I sat down to begin the lessons. Laci was on my left, and Emmy on my right. Everything was going great, until I said it was time to get shoes and coats on. Ali and Julie went right to task, one grabbing Jack, the 2 year old, and the other delivering the soiled baby to me, just in time to change him quickly and then power feed him. In the mean time, Emmy and Laci should have been fully capable of getting ready themselves. In enters Ali. "Mom, Laci is on the steps and won't come and get her shoes on." Then I, still nursing Jesse, say, "Tell her to come and see me." A few minutes later, Ali, "She is slowly scooting down the stairs and won't come." I, with a forced smile on my face and through clenched teeth, "don't worry about it, I will deal with her in a few minutes." From the door, Julie, "Mooooo-ooooom, Emmy won't get in the van." Now, having lost my cool, and not being the mommy of the year, yell, "I will deal with it in a minute!" This may sound nice and innocent on the screen, but in my head it was not nice at all. I had to regain my composure before dealing with Laci, or we would both regret it. I calmly, yet firmly call out to Laci, telling her to go to the bathroom. Crying, followed by some fake sobbing. I begin buckling Jesse, and looking at the clock, now reading 10:17am, I am starting to lose it even more. Now we are going to be late, I was ahead of schedule, and now we're behind. Still trying to keep my cool, I enter the bathroom, where Laci awaits, only to find her laying in the bottom of the still damp tub, trying to hide. WHOOOAAAHHH, did I have to reign in the beast of a mom then. Again, I smiled through clenched teeth. Deep breaths, she's only 4. I held her little cheeks in mine, after pulling her out of the tub, and waiting for her sobs to settle down a little. This is where Debbie Pearl, author of "To Train Up a Child", comes into my head and reminds me that it isn't Laci's fault. I have trained her. I have been the inconsistent one. I am the one who needs to change. As I hand out her consequences, I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me. The next week will be spent training, and drilling her on how she needs to listen to her older siblings, and walking her through the process of getting her coat and shoes on, and getting in the van. When I will find the time to do this? Who knows!!!???!!! In fact, I am holding on dearly to the fact that I get to re-energize. I am going to Florida to visit my mentor. She is the reason I homeschool. She is the reason I parent the way I do, and she has given me this gift of taking a break as well. She calls it a jubilee. I met her in Grand Haven, MI. She now conveniently lives in Tampa, FL. I will have much to share next week, and it should sound like it is coming from a sane person!! I am off to bed. Sweet Dreams.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a very exciting day. We went to the dentist. I had all 4 girls checked, and there were no cavities!! Today I am going to try to rearrange my schedule and post my results. I am trying to work in the preschoolers and trying to make sure I am not on the computer all day. So, I am going to schedule 20 minutes 2 times a day to check email, blog, and twitter. We will see how that goes. I will have to share my discipline escapades from yesterday. Laci, the 4 year old, was up to her usual impy self. More on that after schooling is done.

My Oldest Girls

Here is a great picture of 2 of my best accomplishments. Alison (11) and Julie (9). Ali loves to draw and sing. She is a gentle and quiet spirit while still being spunky. Julie loves anything exciting and new. She will try anything once and with much vigor. She is spunky and able to put a smile any face in less than 1 second flat.

Nasty Day?

Was it a nasty day? Well, when it comes to the kids, no. But in my head, I am still foggy. I can blame it on nursing a new baby. I can blame it on lack of sleep. I can even blame it on the fact that Christmas break messed up our schedule. BUT, it doesn't matter what the blame is. The bottom line is that I still have to try to make sense of my day. I still have to try to figure out how to balance the minutes ticking by and that feeling of "but I don't want to...". And then not beat myself up when all I have accomplished for the day is that my kids are alive and have been fed.

Questions

Here I am again. Day two. I am really doubting why I started this in the first place. I am excited to do it, yet why in the world would anyone want to read it? Anyway, I am going to keep pressing forward for at least a week to see if it is worth my time. I think it is, because it gives me yet one more excuse to put off cleaning :).

I didn't have to do much in the way of parenting this morning. Because of having a still nursing baby, I tend to sleep in a little every morning. The girls, Alison (11) and Julie (9), made pancakes for the littles, Emmy (5) Laci (4) and Jack (almost 2). They even brought in two for me, though a little under cooked. I can not express to you the joy it brings me when the years of consistent training and discipline pay off in the littlest ways. The girls are now beginning their school. Alison just finished her Math test and Julie is working on her Language Arts. Jack and Laci are downstairs watching a movie, and Emmy is making a card for.... I just asked her who it was for... it's for me!! My days are not always this smooth or mushy, but I don't want to dwell on the nasty days. I will get to write all about one of the bad days soon enough. Who knows, maybe even later today!!

Here is my agenda for the day....
Start my servants (dishwasher, crockpot, bread machine, etc...)
Finish my "Room and Groom" (Make bed, Do hair, Make-up)
Begin my Task list:
Laundry (Fold and Put away 2 loads)
Family Closet (Continue Sorting and Re-organizing)
Game Closet (Sort, Donate, Make room for the new)
Of course I will be interupted by school, babies, training, and lunch. Hope to get done by 3pm, so I can have some down time.
Jack is crying. I need to see what he's upset about.

For the first Monday of the year, I think I did O.K. I was able to use that hour to sort coats, since the girls all got new ones for Christmas. I also got the tree ornaments put away. No, I didn't get the toys sorted yet. I get so easily distracted. As soon as I put the baby in his swing, I began putting the ornaments away. And then I was carrying them up the stairs and noticed that if I just put away the old coats, I wouldn't have to move them out of the way to get up the stairs. So, here I am with some accomplishments, but not the ones I wanted.